Judd Trichter | www.juddtrichter.com
Raskolnikov’s Horse
Los Angeles is a miserable town filled with miserable people who do miserable and degrading things for money. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar, a huckster, or a brainwashed retard with an autographed copy of Dianetics on his bedside table. Dante himself never imagined a hell so loathsome as the 405 Freeway on [...]
The Check
The check came in! Negotiated by the attorneys at Schmidt, Tanner, and Drudge, funded by a major Hollywood production company, endorsed by the good people at International Creative Management, carried via truck by the US Postal Service, all working together in perfect economic synergy – damned if I didn’t walk to my mailbox, open the [...]
The Contract
It got to the point where I was no longer poor — I was wretched. Like something out of a Dickens novel. My clothes were torn in places where it is not fashionable for clothes to be torn. I couldn’t afford to eat, let alone pay my bills, and Sally Struthers was calling my house [...]
McElection (2004)
I was still suffering from post-election depression when I got the call. It was my agent. “You’re needed in Denver to do a commercial for the McRib.” “No way I’m working for those swine,” I told her. “Do you know what they put in those things? The way they treat their employees? How much deforestation [...]
The Oprah Incident
Years ago, Oprah Winfrey tried in vain to recruit me into her flock by sending me coded messages through the metal fillings in my teeth. On the advice of my physician, friends, and family, I had my fillings removed, stopped watching her show, and canceled my subscription to O Magazine. For a time, my life [...]