Monthly Archives: May 2007

The Contract

It got to the point where I was no longer poor — I was wretched. Like something out of a Dickens novel. My clothes were torn in places where it is not fashionable for clothes to be torn. I couldn’t … Continue reading

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McElection (2004)

I was still suffering from post-election depression when I got the call. It was my agent. “You’re needed in Denver to do a commercial for the McRib.” “No way I’m working for those swine,” I told her. “Do you know … Continue reading

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The Oprah Incident

Years ago, Oprah Winfrey tried in vain to recruit me into her flock by sending me coded messages through the metal fillings in my teeth. On the advice of my physician, friends, and family, I had my fillings removed, stopped … Continue reading

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One Dementianal Man

The third tab of acid was completely unnecessary, and my apartment turned on me in response. The walls shimmied, the carpet shook, the TV shouted like a strung-up cat. Midnight in Los Angeles. No question I needed a whore. I … Continue reading

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Vagina Vindaloo

I owe money. Tons of it. And I owe it to everyone I know. I owe my ex-wife, most of the women I’ve dated, and every member of my immediate and extended family. I owe my friends, my co-workers, my … Continue reading

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